But now there is a Higher Call -- Mylène's Diary

[MYLÈNE LACOQUINE]

This is going slow and I still think my writing looks like hens walking all over these pages, but no one can say I am not trying. So Mylène is keeping a diary, secret thoughts and all that. Do I have any secret thoughts? Innermost thoughts no one else should know? Usually I'm wearing my heart right on my sleeve, am I not? I'm not called 'La Coquine' for nothing after all. But then... of course there are things I rather keep to myself,especially thesedays. Things are getting terse around Paris,you can almost sniff it in the air. It's like the same feeling you had when you knew the cops were only a few streets away and still you had to get out of that house unseen. That tension... to sound a call or not, to alarm Alain to leg it or not... it was always a tough game, and the current situation just feels like that. As if something might happen... but they might also turn another corner and the crisis would be averted.

The problem is that I am not so sure anymore whether I want the crisis to come or not. The boys, they're talking about uprisings now, of an upcoming new revolution. I wouldlove that... not so much the bloodshed of course, but maybe things could finally change! It just can't keep on going like that, with the thousands of people suffering and the few hundred high and mighty doing nothing at all! Who will do all their work when the lowerborns are all gone, dying from hunger and illness? But on the other hand... if things get even more chaotic, how on earth shall I still find something out about Alain? On some days I tell myself I'm crazy to still think he's alive somewhere, that they imprisoned him instead of just cutting his throat and throwing him into the Seine. Just because a floating corpse named Alain hasn't not been identified doesn't mean it didn't happen. So much can happen in Paris that doesn't see the light of day...

But Dieu eternel, I can't give up on this! I know I can't! Every single day I ask myself wherehe is and what on earth he did to get arrested. Who did he betray? What did he know?If only he had told me more of it! He just wanted to keep everyone else safe, and sacrificed himself in the end. I don't like martyrs, I freaking hate them! Stubborn, stupid Alain! My life would be a lot simpler without him... but then if he had not been in my life, I would have never gotten out of the Cour de Miracles... after I was too old to be a child thief, I would have either had to join forces somehow with Louis, that ... man, or I would have ended on a street corner. The Corbeaux were my stepping stone to what I am now... friends with a band of amazing young men with their hearts and heads high in the clouds. If only change could happen without weapons, only by the strength of words alone. I can't bear the thought of losing one of those rascals to an uprising that might not even succeed. Of course I hope it will, I want to see that new world, I want to fight for it in my own way.

The Madam is calling from down below, I think it is time for my shift. Hopefully them boys won't be so gloomy again tonight, I miss the sound of Courf their laughter.

[MYLÈNE LACOQUINE]

Mon Dieu, what a day… and what a night!! I don’t even know where to begin! All the time while walking home I knew this is why I had learned to write, I need to get these thoughts off my mind or it will explode the next second. Today was the May Event. Paris has been abuzz with this festivities for days in advance and then it was finally there. I didn’t plan much for it, I just wanted to stroll through the marketplace and watch the merrimaking a bit. Nothing was planned… but how it all turned out…! First, there was this Mystic tent, you know, a claimed soothsayer reading fortune from hands and cards and all that. As if I didn’t know how much show there is to it. But of course I thought: why not… and I chose the cards. The result was… something that still won’t leave my mind. The cards are eerie like that sometimes! I asked a general question, what the future might bring for me in the following time, and the Mystic showed the Magician, the Queen of Wands and the Five of pentacles. Now, you know I’ve learned some card reading myself, and I came to roughly the same reading as she did… ‘A person, or possibly me myself drawing people in with vigour and spirit, a leading figure.’ Might that mean I could do my own part in the revolution to come, be of some help?! I would fervently wish so… and maybe the later events of the evening already pointed in that direction. But I’m anticipating! The last card is about loss… and a change that has to come, but a change in ME. The Mystic suggested that I need to rethink my values, rethink what I want, so I will find out who my true friends are. And I think… I might have already made that decision tonight.

Later, I met up with some old friends of the jugglers, you know the lot: Boucher, Pépier, Esti – roi d’enfer, how I missed them! And then, suddenly, unexpectedly… Courf was there. And this is where it started. I knew he would be at the event for later, because Les Amis planned a coup at the parade, they wanted to distribute pamphlets. But I didn’t expect him to take me up so soon on the promise I had given him. To show him paradise, a night of equality and fraternity amongste the sans-soucis. They hit it off instantly, I could see it. Courf enjoyed the meeting very much, and then Pépier struck up a dance. I first danced by myself while Courf asked Esti, dieu, they looked so cute together, I think Esti developed a crush right away! But then in the middle of the dance, he changed partners, and I think we both got a little carried away by the song. Vive la jeunesse, vive l’amour!
There was a tension there, a tension I never felt before. But of course he stepped back once again, and the evening would have ended quite pleasantly. If not for the parade…!

The parade… it was a desaster. I still shudder to think of it! Such horrors, and you know I’m used to see a LOT! And now guess who made it all go to waste, who else but Escroc-Monsieur and his Patron-Minette! While the jugglers and I were marching by and everyone was forming up, they suddenly started to beat up some innocent gypsies, Lord knows why!! People started to interfere, me amongst them (I swear, if Courf hadn’t pulled me back, I would have beaten them up into a freaking PULP!) and things went from bad to worse. You know how it is, Jamais deux sans trois! Enjolras, that crazy man, tried to stop them with one of his flaming speeches, but of course to no avail this time. And then, the National Guard showed up. First they only fired warning shots, but that produced panic enough! Then one of those idiots lost his nerve and fired into the crowd – hitting an innocent woman, one of the gypsies! I was paralyzed for a second, I could not believe it. It was like they had brought the Champs de Mars back on us again. Now they had brought it down on us, we had not wanted anything bad, especially not the lads! I felt so bad for them! Before the shots had been fired, Pépier suddenly appeared and took some of Courf’s pamphlets, so at least THAT was not completely lost. I just wanted to get out of there, Ponine and I communicated without words, we both knew where we wanted to go. Rue Cochin, one of the entrances to the catacombes. But only Courf and I made it there.

And this is were it gets completely crazy. I am almost ashamed to write this down, but within all the horror, the fear and the chaos, I found a moment of complete bliss, of ecstasy and passion. Courf and I… we did not only cross the bridge, we nearly burned it behind us. It just… happened. It was building for such a long time, but in all honesty, I never thought we’d ever go there, and not just because of him stepping back. I didn’t know I would want it either. But suddenly there wasn’t even so much as a question.
Now? I don’t know, and a huge part of me doesn’t even want to know. He asked me not to fall in love with him, and I will try to honour this promise. I am not one for love. It has never been a part of my life, as you well know. I didn’t even know that could happen, so much as someone WANTING me, only wanting, not loving. That alone is a small miracle to me. I wasn’t exactly wanted anywhere, not with my parents, not in the factory, and least of all on the street. The only people ever caring for me was Les Corbeaux.

I know it probably won’t last. But that doesn’t mean I won’t savour it while it last, even more so I will do! I don’t know what Courf sees in me, nor will he probably ever tell me. But that isn’t important. Even if he should never kiss me again, I felt wanted, desired for one night. That is more than many of my former kind can say of themselves for a lifetime. And before I become sentimental after all, I should probably stop this entry.
I just hope that they are painting their future black when they speak about possible deaths. They hardly do, but it’s present in their eyes. The revolution will come. Ponine and I must stage our coup as soon as possible, any day now it could be too late. I don’t want to lose them. I don’t want to lose… this. So I will do my level best to assure it won’t come to a desaster, even if Courf tells me a thousand times to stay out of it. I can’t. I won’t.