Heart and home. (Marius)

[followedmyheart]

Cosette paced her garden nervously. The moon dipped in and out from behind clouds, bathing her in darkness and then silvery light from one moment to the next. Her footsteps left patches of flattened grass that she had worn down in her pacing.
She wished that the butterflies she so longed to chase were about to keep her distracted. Cosette waited on her stone bench, wishing that a letter from Marius were there to greet her. He had been so busy as of late, with LeMarque's failing health and the public speeches he and Enjolras gave. She was so proud of him, but what would this renegade business result in? His death?
Cosette inhaled sharply and bid the foreboding thought away. She would not dwell on something so unhappy. Would Marius die, she herself would die. The young vibrant woman would no doubt wither into a shell of herself, empty and without reason. It seemed silly that one life could be so fiercely tied to another and yet here she was, living proof that it could be. She was tied to Marius and her father, wholeheartedly. They were her life and her heart.
Her mind was still scattered and nervous, the sundial shining in the moonlight and telling her that Marius was late. It was well past two and he had promised to call upon her at midnight. Cosette longed to distract herself. She gathered catchfly, gardenias and angel's trumpet - all night blooming flowers - and weaved them into a bracelet that she hung on her wrist. She went on to weave a crown, but set it atop a statue instead of her own fair blonde locks.
Fluttering around like a lark, Cosette hummed scant tunes of Marius' favorite music, as though it would call him to her. Was he grieving Lamarque? Had he simply been detained at a meeting? Oh if only he would take him with her! She suddenly found herself irritated, why must every man in her life treat her like a porcelain doll? A child?! She was wild and brave at heart! She had nerve and daring! A young woman, a lady that deserved to be treated as such. Woman were dying for freedom and rights while she beat her wings against this cage.
The sound of Marius coming through the loose bar in her gate, her anger dissipated and a wave of relief washed over her. As angered as she may be, she loved him too much and the desire to see him came strongly. Cosette dodged trees and flower bushes, tracing her wandering path back to where she would find him.
Marius was beautiful, freckles and all, his hair unkept, but perfect. Tears pricked her eyes at the thought of losing him washed over her again. Her father had experienced the dangers of the parade, would he wish them to move to their apartment in England? She couldn't bear the thought of being parted from him, not for one moment longer.
Cosette threw her arms around Marius, threatening to never let go. He was warm and safe, a shelter in a raging storm. Would she ever be in love as much as she was now?
"I love you, I love you," she whispered against his collarbone where her face was pressed. She wanted to trace and memorize every bit of him, lock him away where she could keep him safe. And hers. "I feared you were arrested...or worse..."

[LA MORT]

A light. What light? Cosette, her golden hair deflecting the soft glow of the lamp from inside the house. The high sweet tenor of her voice, humming a familiar tune, had lured him here like a siren, and relieved, he jangled the bar quietly but swiftly to move into the garden where he knew his beloved must await him. To be united with her once more, against all hope! – he wrapped his arms around her as she rushed into them.

He tucked his chin over the top of her head, shifting to get comfortable. How naturally she fit into his arms! He swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing against her temple. God, he thought he might have lost her! Closing his eyes, he let himself relax against her, contented that she was in his arms, and as long as that was true, she was safe. How long it would last, he could not be certain, so he would relish every moment. And he did. “And I you,” he murmured back. Everything he knew about her. In the time they had spent together, which always felt too brief, he had memorized as much as he could; it was on the inside of his eyelids when he closed his eyes to sleep, it was branded on his heart. The music of her voice remained in his mind. He inhaled softly, taking in the fragrance of her hair as she mumbled against his chest.

“You are the one who disappeared,” he pointed out softly, without anger, though concern crept into the ardent tenderness of his voice. He could only thank God that he had found her; that they had not lost each other after all. “The house was empty... I thought...” He trailed off, as if unable to voice his fears, especially now that they had not been realized. Why had they gone so suddenly? Was there still a threat? ...he had looked for hours. There had been no note at the gate, in spite of the letters she had left him there before, so he had not thought that anything would be awry. However, the house had been dark; he assumed that they must have left rather suddenly if she'd not had time to leave a note, and he had searched the city for hours tonight looking for the place she might be. He did not feel that he needed to tell her this, however. He did not need to tell her anything, other than sigh ardently, “Angel!” and hold her close.

He also did not tell her that he might still be arrested, or worse, because he might go to the barricades that his friends were planning to erect after Lamarque's funeral, only a few scant days away. He could not tell her this because honestly, he had not yet decided. How could he leave her? He was not sure whether they would die, but... how could he think of anything but her when he was in her presence? He could scarcely think of anything but her even when they were parted. The way she had consumed him would seem impossible to him if it had not happened.

[followedmyheart]

God had surely created Marius especially for her. Cosette like most young girls had at one point dreamed of the young man she would someday fall in love with. Would he be strong? Would he be kind? She had asked herself all these questions and more, wondering what naive would be shaped from the starlight itself for her heart alone. Marius was more than she had ever dreamed. Cosette could never have created him herself had God given her His powers to do so. He was too magnificent and altogether humble. She felt unworthy and yet desired him with all her heart. Should they be parted, it would tear her in two. Oh, what is fresh love, but so easily unpredictable?
Marius was tense when he first took her into his arms, should could hear his heartbeat fly against her ear. Had he run here? Cosette was more at peace when she felt him relax. She smiled without him knowing against the soft fabric of his vest as he returned her words of love. She hoped to never take them for granted. To be loved by her father was destined and true, but to be loved by another such as Marius was a choice and that choice would always carry risks and consequences. To care for her as he did was brave and noble in her eyes.
Cosette felt an dignified need to defend herself at his saying she had disappeared. As though she had wanted to or done so on purpose! His voice was neither mocking or angered however; it was apparent that Marius had been concerned.
"Hush now!" The fear in his voice filled her, empathetic as she was. Had he thought the worst? That something had happened to herself and her father? She was glad to be here with Marius now, to comfort him. Terror was a dark and terrible beast that gripped the heart and brought forth one's worst nightmares. To think he had been submerged in it, her heart ached for him.
"Your lawyer's mind races and worries so," Cosette reached out to stroke his face, tracing him cheek with the palm of her hand in hopes to soothe him. "I suppose it is natural for us to worry that when we find the best in life, fate will intervene to strip us of it."
It seemed that way in all matters of life. No sooner did a sunny day grace the skies than a thunderstorm quickly followed, a large sum of money collected to learn the next day that it must be spent on medicine or handed over to someone of power. Papa had always been a constant however; Cosette hoped that Marius would be the same.
Her blonde eyebrows crinkled in confusion. Why had he searched for hours if she wrote him her current address?
"You did not receive my letter then? I left it at the gate..." Cosette neglected to add that she had even paid to have it delivered for it had clearly not made it. No wonder he had no idea where she was! Cosette felt a flicker of crossness for whomever it was beyond the gate that had not followed through with her simple given task. That anger flickered however, for hers was not a heart to dwell long on rage.
A simple sigh passing through her lips cleared her chest of it's anxiety. She intertwined her hands with Marius'. Holding only one of his hands was not enough tonight. The moonlight made his eyes shine like silver and softened his features in a way that she had now come to memorize him.
"Oh!" A thought occurred to her that she had meant to mention upon seeing him. Had they met under normal circumstances it would have been stated earlier.
"My condolences on the loss of the General. I know you respected him and his causes. It is a heavy blow to Paris and France to lose such a figure."
She pondered of the procession that would occur in the streets in the Generals honor. Perhaps he would be happier if she were there to share his grief. Cosette pictured of the funeral day not far off: how she could stand beside him and hold his hand, offering her presence and comfort. What better way to show her love than be there in his time of need?
"I should attend the parade with you."

[Deleted]

Marius smiled as Cosette’s hand brushed his cheek, instantly comforted by the gesture. He raised his own hand to take hers, to further reassure himself that this was not a dream, and that she was not a fantastic figment of his imagination. “I’m not a lawyer yet,” he reminded her gently, still smiling. It had been his lifelong dream to practice law. Now even that paled in comparison to the dream he held in his arms. He wanted nothing more than to marry her and live out the rest of his days in peace.

But there was the revolution to consider. He was always being chided by the other boys for his supposed lack of dedication to the cause. Perhaps it was true—his dedication had faltered since Cosette had burst into his life. Of course he still cared about what they were fighting for, but he resented Enjolras and the others trying to make him choose between them. He was not going to abandon them because they needed all the help they could get, and, contrary to popular belief, he did believe in the cause wholeheartedly. His head was telling him that he needed to focus on the task at hand—liberating France from the oppressive king—yet his heart was telling him never to leave Cosette’s side.

His smile faded at the mention of fate. What if it was his fate to die? He could not bear being apart from her, even for a moment. Whenever they were apart his thoughts never left her at least. Daydreaming had not been anything he was famous for—at least not about women, but now more often than not she was the only thing on his mind. The others may make fun of him for it and even scold him, but none of them understood. Liberty and equality and fraternity were all things that he believed in unstintingly, but now above all those things was love. It was as if none of his friends knew what it was to love.

Before Cosette, aside from his timidity and his Bonapartist tendencies, he had been just like them. His greatest goal was to bring freedom to the people of France. But then his world had changed or rather commenced, as soon as he locked eyes with the ethereal being before him. At first he had only dreamed but never thought of acting on his feelings—how could a goddess possibly feel anything for a mere mortal such as him? But then there was the parade when she gave him her name, which had given him hope that perhaps she did love him—and now here they were, together at last. His life until this point had been simply existence, but now, now he knew the secret to true happiness which made life worth living. That was why it would be so difficult leaving her and throwing his life at the mercy of the National Guard.

“Letter? I never received any letter.” Confusion filled his emerald eyes at Cosette’s question. Had she really sent him a letter? If she had, he had certainly never seen it. “What did it say?” he asked curiously, glancing down at their hands and then grinning bashfully. He made a note to write her a letter in return. There were not enough words in French for him to adequately express his love for her, but he would do his best, to be sure.

The grin faded when Cosette suggested she should attend the event he was dreading. “No!” he replied more emphatically than he had meant to. “I mean,” He took a deep breath and shook his head. “My love, you can’t. It’s…” He really shouldn’t be telling anyone what they were trying to do, so he decided to be cryptic about it. “Remember the parade? It wasn’t safe there and I don’t think it’ll be safe at the funeral either. People are angry with the king, and…well, I don’t want you to get hurt.” he insisted softly, raising his hand to her cheek. “You must stay here.”

[followedmyheart]

Her laughter was a quiet breath on her lips. He was so endearing. She wanted to make him laugh and beam, just so that she could inspect his face and capture every expression in her memory. Marius was truly mesmerizing to her.
"It seems foolish to tell you now," Cosette thought on her letter and it's contents, most of which were her whereabouts and declarations of her love. The paper, once so crisp and sealed, was most likely a sodden lump in the gutter by now. Her pretty words now ink running down the page. The coins she had left there no doubt been found by some wandering child. All hope could not be lost, so she added: "If God wishes you to read it, it shall find it's way to you." Cosette truly believed that.
She was truly startled at his reaction to her attending the parade. Cosette jumped slightly at the force in his voice, so used to the loving whispers that she would never have believed he could command any other tone. Her wide eyes must have shown her surprise, for he quickly made amends.
She mirrored the deep breathe he had taken, her exhale more slow as her coral lips turned down in a frown. Cosette thought she had been helping him grieve, but apparently it was not so. It appeared Marius did not even want her there. Rejection sat heavy on her chest and she swatted at it, knowing that Marius loved her too much to ever deny her company. Even now he talked of her safety.
Cosette evaded his gaze all the same, the truth of the words that he spoke hardening her in a stubborn way. Yes, the parade had been frightful and unsafe, but was she meant to be a caged lark forever? First her father and now Marius as well, bidding her to stay where it was safe and sound.
So long as the king was unjust and indecent to his people there would be uprisings. Until France changed, the streets would always be uncertain. Did Marius mean to keep her trapped in this garden as her father did? So that harm would never reach her? Well then life would never reach her. Even if it managed to slip through the bars as Marius did, Cosette found herself longing for more than mere midnight meetings. Through Marius she had tasted what it meant to see the world beyond the gate and now she longed to be a part of it.
Her bubbling anger subsided as his hand found her cheek. She felt the strange urge to weep again, but only because she loved him so much. Cosette could have a tempest raging within and a single touch from Marius would calm any storm.
She would not promise to stay here, however. As she had with her father before, Cosette settled on an answer that was vague. She hoped it suited him. "I will be where God wishes me to be. If that is here, then I shall be here."
It was elsewhere however...
Cosette leaned out of his palm to kiss his cheek. She rested her chin on his shoulder, simply enjoying his presence. Marius was sunlight and Cosette was a mere flower, soaking in all that she could to stay alive.
The faint call of a nightingale disturbed her reverie all too soon, and she was reminded as to why it had been so difficult for Marius to find her. Cosette had been relocated by her father in hopes to keep her away from the trouble the parade had sparked. All too soon she would be headed for England. This had been included in the letter of coarse, but since Marius had not received it she would have to be the bearer of bad news herself.
"Marius," she pulled back so as to see his face. Even his name was heavy with her sadness. How much longer did she have to say even that? To call it to him and have his eyes meet hers in response? She felt guilty for not cherishing this mere interaction more while she had the chance.
"Papa has decided since the parade that the unrest of the people is dangerous. He fears that something worse is coming and wishes to keep me away from harm, that was why he brought us here."
She could stop now. Cosette could leave her words there: a simple explanation of why she had been moved from one house to another. She needn't break his heart, or her own. Why must she choose? Would it be better if she simply disappeared, without him knowing she was on a ship bound for England? No. He hadn't even let her go from one house to the next without searching for her. He would walk until his bones broke if it meant finding her. At least she could spare him that pain.
Cosette's bottom lip trembled as she let one last heartbeat of innocence pass between them. They were naive and bold, reckless and devoted. If only their love could stay that way, as fresh as spring. Winter would find them regardless and it was time that they grow up.
"Papa is taking me to England," she declared. She held onto his hands, intertwined with hers, as tightly as she could in hopes that in this small way she could hold both of them together.
They were statues of glass, to be shattered with only one blow. Cosette prayed she had not been the one to deliver it.

[Deleted]

Her laughter was one of the things he loved most about her—they were like the melodic bells of Notre Dame that he heard often in his boyhood when he went to mass. It was also quite infectious—when she laughed, he could not help but laugh himself. He had never been a particularly happy person, especially since the ordeal with his grandfather, but she had illuminated his life so that now the world itself had become a different place, simply because she was in it.

If he had not been with Cosette at the moment, then he would have been upset that he had never seen the letter. However, disappointment or sadness of any kind were impossible in the presence of an angel. How could he feel anything but happiness when she was near? Nothing mattered except the two of them. He supposed that the fact that he felt that way was why Enjolras and his other friends were so disapproving of his relationship with the girl. But how could he not love her? She was perfect, wonderful, brilliant—the stuff of dreams. But she was real, as real as night and day were.

He closed his eyes, his face flushing as she kissed his cheek. When he opened them, they were shining joyfully, and a huge grin had spread across his face. He kissed the top of her head softly when she rested it on his shoulder, and then let out a sigh of relief when she said that she would be where God wanted her to be. Because he could not imagine her ever deceiving him, he took this as a promise that she would do as he asked and not attend the funeral. He did not want to think about the possibility of her getting hurt or worse, killed as the woman had—an innocent bystander. He was not naïve enough to think that no blood would be shed the day of the funeral, but the least they could do was minimize the damage. He simply did not want his love to be a casualty.

“Yes, darling?” he asked when Cosette spoke up, feeling as if he was in an almost dreamlike state as they stood together in the garden. What on earth had he done to deserve the love as one as flawless as she? He must have done something right for God to grant him the love of the vision before him. Her demeanor had changed, she seemed almost full of sorrow, even though she had been laughing just a moment before.

“What’s the matter, my love?” he queried, his voice and eyes full of concern. Then she came out with the truth and he felt as if he had slammed into a brick wall. Leaving… She was leaving him! At her father’s request no doubt but still…how could she leave? His heart seemed to stop and he opened his mouth as if to speak, but no words came out. He trembled and then blinked, looking down at their hands. “E…England? Why…when?” he managed to stutter. “I thought…I thought you’d never go away...”

[followedmyheart]

Her heart was breaking into a million pieces. She felt the physical ache in her chest, feeling as though she were caving within herself. I thought you'd never go away. His words mirrored the very dream she herself had envisioned. One where they had held hands in meadows and she'd woven crowns of poppies in the sunlight. Her father would lead her down the aisle and give her away, smiling in pride at the young woman she had become. But the truth had been revealed: they were mere children with childish dreams, shattered by the reality of adult laws and revolutions. It was a horror she had not expected and found his pain only doubled her own.
Marius' hands were trembling in her own. She gave a muffled sob, wishing her tears would ebb. Salt water traced patterns down her cheeks as she fought to barely breathe. A life without him? What a cruel life. Empty and pointless.
"I...don't know...Papa did not say - only that, that we were going..." she sniffed, searching her memory for any resemblance of a day of departure, "tomorrow? Perhaps? I do not know..."
Her uselessness pulled her down into despair, as though she were tossed into the ocean with weights tied onto her feet. Why hadn't she asked her Papa what day they were leaving? It had all been too quick, too fleeting. Her shock had blinded her to the information she should have found out and now she had to answers to supply Marius with.
Cosette felt disappointing. She could think of no words to say to soothe the rift that tore between her and Marius. What could fill the space? Breech the void that was to be an ocean between them? Would they ever be together again? Too many questions filled her heart and made it heavy.
She opened her mouth again and again, only to fail at comforting the person she loved most in the world besides her Papa. Cosette let go of his hands to cling to him instead, daring anyone to pull her away. "I can't Marius...I can't live without you."

[Deleted]

 
Marius gripped Cosette’s hands tighter when she began to cry, then raised a hand to her cheek as she spoke, conveying that she had no idea when they were supposed to leave. Tomorrow?! Could this truly be his last moment with her? He knew their time could be limited considering what he and his friends would be doing in a few mere days, but so soon? He could not go to England. He could not follow—even if he wanted to, which he was unsure of whether or not he did.

Of course he would miss her. Of course he loved her and did not want to be apart from her. But it was not that simple. His friends, his brothers, were going to liberate France, and he wanted to—he had to be a part of it. He could not simply abandon his friends, no matter how much he loved her. How could she leave him like this? He could not be angry with her—he was not—because, after all, her father was the one making the decision, not her. He could not expect her to defy her father.

Unless…no, he banished the thought from his head. They couldn’t elope and he knew that she wouldn’t. It would be wrong for him to leave his friends here, and he wanted to do things honorably, with her father’s permission. Part of him wondered if he would allow him to marry her at all considering the fact that he had participated in a government uprising. He was a revolutionary now—whatever ‘respectability’ he might have had to a man of her father’s position had probably diminished. Besides, no one wanted their daughter to marry a troublemaker.

“Darling Cosette, nor can I…” he murmured, rubbing her back gently as his mind raced. What could he do to convince her to stay? What could he say? It seemed hopeless, utterly hopeless. This couldn’t possibly be goodbye…his world had just only started, and now it was ending because she would no longer be in it. “Marry me.” he mumbled, and then drew away far enough that he could take her hands again. “Say you’ll marry me. Please…”

[followedmyheart]

Cosette waited for his anger, the rage that lied in waiting in the hearts of men, or so she had been told. She had never found it within her father, but Marius was a different man entirely. What if he was quick to anger, or held grudges and she just didn't know. Luckily, whatever wrath she was afraid he had hidden somewhere deep within a loving demeanor did not appear and she inwardly sighed a breathe of relief. The small circles he was rubbing on her back were soothing as she stayed safe inside his arms.
They were both respectively quiet, reflecting on thier own thoughts as it seemed they would be spending thier last night together. Had she truly taken her time with him for granted? Cosette wondered if she had burned his smile into her memory well enough, the sound of his laughter or the tone of his voice as he spoke of his day. She feared that he would be like a dream and when she awoke across the sea he would fade from her life, as the night fades into day.
"What?" Cosette whispered, unsure whether she had heard him properly. Had he asked her to marry him? Hope, which had perched in her soul, fluttered it's wings and prepared to fly. She felt her heart beat faster as he drew away and took her hands.
Say you'll marry me. Please...[/] The words echoed again and again in her head, like some fairy tale she had read as a child.
How many times had she thought of this moment as small girl, picturing that prince that would ride in on a white horse and sweep her away to a magical kingdom? So the white horse was missing...but her prince was still here. Being Mrs. Marius Pontmercy seemed an inevitability, she had completely forgotten he would someday have to ask her permission.
"Yes," Cosette breathed so quietly she was sure that she hadn't actually said it, so she said it again and this time with a small laugh. She blinked away the tears that had started again, only this time from happiness. How could she find such joy in times such as these? It was unfair, criminal even. Her heart felt akin to a sunbeam, bright and light as air.
"I'd marry you right now if a priest were in this garden," she teased as she pressed a kiss to his lips.
Would she stay in France now? What of Papa? Would he venture on without her? "When?"
All of Paris was planning a funeral, how could they plan a wedding? She hadn't even if met his family, what if they didn't approve of her?

[Deleted]

Marius gazed down at Cosette, just as surprised as she was. Did I really just ask that? It wasn’t that he regretted it but even he had to admit that the request had been reckless—a very spur-of-the moment thing if there was one. “I mean, if you’d like, that is…” How could he possibly afford to get married? The more reasonable part of his mind realized that he was still a poor student—he could not possibly afford a wife or children for that matter.

He obviously had not thought the sudden proposal over—he didn’t even have a ring to give her—but he did not regret it, not in the least, especially after she accepted him. “You…you will? You’re serious?” When she repeated her answer affirmatively, a bewildered but elated grin spread across the law student’s face. “Th-“ He couldn’t finish thanking her because she leaned up and kissed him before he could say anything. Marius grinned, a blush spreading across his face, but the smile faded as he considered her question.

All of their plans were dependent upon his surviving the barricades—not that he didn’t have a reason to survive before. Now he realized—for perhaps the first time—how mortal he really was. Of course he had thought about his future aside from the revolution—his thoughts gravitated mostly around becoming a lawyer—but now he had a real, genuine plan for how he wanted to live his life, and it might all go up in flames in just a few days.

He did not regret casting his lot with his revolutionary friends. He was and still was proud to speak up for the oppressed people of France. However, the simple fact of the matter was that he was torn. He wanted to fight, but he wanted to live, to be with Cosette. He had been so convinced that he was ready to die for the cause and now…

“It will have to be after the funeral, I’m afraid…” he answered upon realizing that his now fiancée was waiting for a response. “I..I would like to speak with your father, if possible, to ask for his permission.”